Monday, March 26, 2007

Yuma Wedding

First off, I want to apologize to Bob for this post. The wedding in Yuma had no drama, no burning secrets revealed, no shocking revelations. However, for the Eggman, this was good news. All in all, it was actually a pretty relaxing weekend for me. I could give you the full play-by-play, but it'd be pretty boring, and I'd have to reveal more details about my GF and her dad than I'm comfortable with. So rather than a full report in the typical detailed style of Raynok, I will simply give a few highlights.

Thursday night: My GF and I went to the Kings/Suns game with Lunatic Jim and my buddy Mitch from work. Sadly, Artest wasn't there because he had to appear in court for beating his wife. The game was uneventful, but I got pretty drunk. Straight from the game, GF drove us to Yuma. I had packed a picnic stoner kit for the car, and with a fair amount of booze already coursing through my body, the weed hit me hard and fast. I listened to 1st Wave and Left of Center, my two favorite Sirius stations, while I drifted away to visions of yellow headlights and slick black pavement.

Friday: Apparently there was some sort of breakfast/brunch event on Friday morning, which is why we arrived on Thursday night. From the beginning, GF told me that I didn't have to attend this event. I held fast to this, continuing to slumber until I had gotten my fill. I rose to meet the day around noon or maybe 1 pm, commencing with my marijuana high before my feet even touched the ground.
GF had returned from brunch and was in the bathroom when I heard a knock at the door. I was in my boxers, laying on a La-Z-boy with the pipe on my chest, watching the Food Network and scratching my hairy balls, hoping GF would come to the rescue. I was forced to answer the door myself, and this is how I came to meet the Bride for the first time. Both my GF and the Bride got a little high with me, but then they talked about wedding stuff, so I went back to the TV.
At 4, GF had to go somewhere to rehearse the wedding. She was one of the bridesmaids, so I guess they have to teach you special ways to walk and stand for the ceremony. I had to meet her and the rest of the wedding party for dinner at 6 PM for the Rehearsal Dinner. At the time, it was this event which I was dreading the most. I figured that at the wedding I'd be able to escape and do my own thing, but at the Rehearsal Dinner I'd have no choice but to grin and bear it, politely enduring the barrage of small talk.
I decided to start drinking at 4:30 PM in preparation for the event, and smoked a mega-sized bowl right before I was to be picked up. The boyfriend of one of the other bridesmaids was waiting outside in his truck, and as soon as I got in, he told me I smelled great. I was immediately puzzled by this remark, especially since I hadn't showered in four days, but I soon realized this guy smelled the pot smoke clinging to my body. I offered him some and we got super toasted and showed up to the dinner a little bit late.
This turned out to be fine though, as everyone else at dinner was already smashed. Alot of them even teased us about being noticeably high. About 20 minutes into the dinner, the mother of the Bride was sitting on my lap, loudly professing her love for me to the entire table. She later came back with us, along with the Bride and a few others, to get high after dinner as well.

Saturday: This was the big day, and GF had bridesmaid responsibilities starting at around noon, so again I was left to my own devices. I basically practiced the same drill from Friday, except this time I had GF's dad to hang out with. I had only one drink, right before we left for the wedding (around 6), but I was very high.
The ceremony took place outdoors, and it was a pretty area, but I was immediately disheartened when I saw 5 or 6 different guys wearing jeans. I, of course, was buttoned up in my fancy brown pants. The actual commitment ceremony was pretty stupid, and the pastor (minister? priest?) was a complete moron. He tried to be funny but his humor came off as cheap and sexist. After about 20 minutes, we were let loose on the bar.
Based on Friday night's events, I had expected a pretty rowdy time, but it just never happened. There were no professional bartenders, just 2 ladies (who looked to be friends of the families) serving the drinks. As such, the drinks were weak and poorly made. The dancefloor never really filled up, and people by and large seemed to be in control of their faculties. To achieve the level of drunk that I had originally sought would have required a monumental effort on my part, and it just didn't seem worth it.
An hour or two after daylight disappeared, the party started to fizzle out. Dinner was long gone, and I was hungry. I was talking to Sean, the bridesmaid's boyfriend who had brought me to the rehearsal dinner, and he was hungry also. Soon enough, the conversation turned to cheeseburgers, and Sean told me there was an In n' Out Burger close-by. I was sold. I told GF's dad about the proximity of the In n' Out, and this piqued his interest as well.
It took a while, but the two of us eventually convinced my girlfriend to leave the wedding early,so that we could purchase fast food cheeseburgers. All three of us got double doubles, and the apartment where we stayed was mere minutes from the In 'n Out. As soon as we walked in the door, I sprinted to remove my brown pants and button-down. I emerged from the bedroom in mesh shorts and attacked that double burger like I hadn't eaten in days.
I felt satisfaction wash over me. Not only did the cheeseburger sandwich quell my fierce appetite, but it also represented the end of my duties as the date of a bridesmaid. The wedding was over, I had juicy burger in my stomach, and not one single person asked me "What do you do?" the entire weekend. For the Eggman, that spelled sweet success.

I have to go back to Yuma in 2 or 3 weeks for another wedding.

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